Changes

It's been a month of many changes, although I suppose it's what's considered to be little things, just tiny seeds of changes blown my way.

One thing that hasn't changed is my owlish behavior, I guess. I still find it the most intriguing time of the day, when all is quiet. Well, nothing is ever all quiet here in the city, but still. The lights are out, except for a few windows in the distance, you can hear a few crickets making pleasant music.

In other words, I still can't sleep early.

Without being cliched, I've begun to change a bit. Not mind bogglingly, but I've met new people, and reconnected with old friends.

I'm happy to be where I am, though there's still bits and pieces of problems that come with day to day life. I can't help but think what a lucky girl I am, even if I have the occasional head to head with Kevin, and the old cloud of depression descends on me from time to time.

Right now I'm a little sad, although we had a nice dinner with our upstairs neighbor Renee. Perhaps it's a bit silly... I just feel like there's beginning to be a new feeling to the household. Ever since I brightened up a bit, started to become more busy and housewifely, doing nearly all the chores by myself and socializing and able to hold my own, I feel like Kevin has become more and more dependent on me being that way.

Today coming down from dinner, I remarked that it was starting to smell in our apartment and that we should change the litter boxes. With four cats, it really should be done regularly... Kevin said decisively to the negative, and despite many pleas (without a touch of acid in my tone, I might add) he refused.

Now he used to be a lot more open and would help me out with chores, but it is as though since he's fulfilling his part of the bargain, which is earning more money and keeping us comfortable, Kevin is suddenly exempt and does not have to keep me company while I do chores. I admit that in the past, I've been lazy and just let him do everything.

I just feel like, I'm still working on myself, I'm trying to be good and I have been good. And I just unloaded my chest today about some private things that I've been keeping to myself because I guess inwardly I didn't want to burden him with. It just seemed so unappreciative and uncaring for him to just fall asleep... it wasn't so much about the chore I did not want to do, but it's going to be our anniversary soon, and I have been doing so well... baby sitting, having guests over, cooking nice dinners, cleaning the house well enough so that it's a pleasure and not an eyesore... he just could have helped me carry the boxes over, kept up a friendly conversation or something.

But Kevin just flopped over on the bed, pulled up the covers in a nice air conditioned bedroom, while I was obviously fuming and sweaty, lugging the smelly excrement filled boxes and cleaning them, hauling out the garbage, washing the dishes, the kitchen. Without even a peep at me.

I understand he's an amazing boyfriend by a lot of standards. So what if he doesn't have a romantic bent and gives excuses as to why he isn't so romantic? So what if he considers the only way a man can show romance is by pulling out his wallet, and spending the contents? He is great. I know. He is faithful, he brings home the paycheck, supports me, provides me with sustenance and the roof over my head. I feel great contentment because of him, I don't have to worry about paying bills.

I guess I just feel that because of these reasons, he's starting to feel exceptional compared to the boyfriends that other women talk about. It's true. And yet, I feel anxious that suddenly he no longer feels obligated to be as supportive, because he really does seem to equate financial stability to happiness and a good relationship.

Maybe that's a bit of an unfair assessment, but it's true.
He'd be the first to deny this, in fact he has... but the seeds of thought are in his mind I know. He thought, I am tired. I have done well this past month, I have been a wonderful boyfriend and it's all adding up. I can let this one little thing lapse.

But he didn't take into account that it hurt me. It may be just this one little time, but it only takes once to start building a habit.
This is a change I just don't want.