Dream

On my mind:

I dreamt a disturbing dream yesterday.  My grandmother's old brownstone apartment is in real life a four-story faded reddish brown brick color with showy green cornices and black painted iron fire escapes.  I dreamt in one part that it was being restored and renovated to gloriousness, though perhaps restored isn't the best word for it.  There was never really a time where that building would have been gorgeous, as it was originally a chicken farm.  I used to imagine, when I was living there on and off again throughout the years, that the ghosts of fowl would cluck pathetically at me, but of course it was just my imagination.

In my dreams, everything was being bricked, every wall, with expensive goldish brown bricks, full of light and splendour. Not sure what that means, but it was quite beautiful to behold!  Everything seemed much more glamorous somehow.

I also dreamt that I married someone who was not Kevin.  He reminded me of my fifth grade crush, Jonathan, a pale freckled boy, tall and with dark red hair and a thin friendly face.  I don't know why I married him, but we were setting off for a life together and planning to live in that restored building?  We had loads of expensive stuff, and we seemed quite happy... except I thought of Kevin with a sad heart.

But then it either flashed forward after our honeymoon or whatever, and I was pregnant.  I gave birth in my grandmother's house to four tiny eggs, which my mother opened to reveal four miniscule doll-like babies.  She carefully tore the placentas off, and I tried to make them breathe.  But they would not come to life.  I asked my grandmother to tell me at least, what gender they were, but she said they never had any.

It seemed to darken then, and the happiness from the beginning, all the bright colours seemed faded, and all I could think of was Kevin.  I was walking in a gloomy light to a big building where there were huge black cars and a swimming pool, a grungy place, yet obviously belonging to a rich man.  Of course it belonged to Kevin, and there he was with long bedraggled hair and a hardened face that had no love or recognition for me.  It hurt, and when I woke up it made my heart hurt.

I remember in the dream we made love in the pool, and on the ground, and I felt nothing but overwhelming sadness and the water was clear dark aqua green, kind of like the background color of this blog, and reflected my emotions.  I walked down from the building through the long steps, except it was somehow a fire escape.  I almost fainted down the fire escape, but Kevin ran to catch me, and I remember wondering if he could love me again?